Sony Press Conference… I Need To Attend More Sh*t Like This

From the Vault — originally published June 3, 2009. Some links, videos or prices may be out of date.

I woke up early as sh*t this morning (once again) then Brooklyn and I headed over to the Shrine Auditorium where Sony was holding their annual E3 press conference. I must say…even though Sunday evenings Momma’s Hot Tamales event was an epic fail for Sony in my opinion (some “official” blog that shall remain nameless made the occasion out to be the social event of the year…I warned y’all about the fanboys) the press conference more than made up for it.

We arrived at the venue and got a glimpse at how the big dogs at Sony get down. I felt like I was at a red carpet reception. Sony had cocktail tables set up on a back-lot with large white umbrellas overhead to protect all the rich folks from the sun. The feel of the event was very corporate-sheik and talk about an open bar! It was 10 o’clock in the morning and Sony was serving hard liquor like it was scrambled eggs. It seems to me that folks in Los Angeles go pretty hard on the drink-e-drinks. I tried to play it cool so I ordered a mimosa or two…okay it was three, (plus I had two screw drivers). Damn this L.A. living is killing my liver. I did stick with orange juice as a chaser though so I guess it was all in the name of a balanced breakfast.

Once the drinks were in my system it was time to mingle. I floated over to the lobby of the auditorium and had a walk around. Sony really pulled out all the stops for this event. There were HDTV’s with PS3’s set up all over the room. According to Sony, each PS3 belonged to a fan that (supposedly) won the console in a contest the company hosted a few months back. The fans were (allegedly) invited by Sony to the press conference and asked to bring their consoles. I had a chance to talk to two of these “winners” and I must be honest, I’m convinced those people were hired posers. They pushed the Sony brand so far down my throat I felt like I was talking to car salesmen. One young lady I spoke with was telling me how much she loved her PS3 (yeah right) and how she had a two-year-old daughter and communicates with other mothers online through Playstation Home. Come on people! First off its been proven that all moms HATE videogames (unless its Nintendo Wii related), secondly we all know that NOBODY and I mean NOBODY actually uses Playstation Home, especially not a support group of young mothers. I asked her straight up if she was on the Sony payroll and she quickly denied my accusations (a little too quick if you ask me).

Sony opened the doors to the Shrine’s main auditorium fashionably early and the attendee’s bum rushed the room for seats like it was a free concert. I was still crazy buzzed from all those breakfast cocktails I drank earlier on so when the house lights dimmed and the Sony intro video started I had one of those “oh sh*t” moments. An oh sh*t moment is that point in time when an intoxicated person realizes that not only are they totally smashed but they’re smashed while something exciting is happening. I felt like I was fully wrapped in a Sony blanket of lights. Branded images of squares, circles, triangles, and X’s started flying past me like highway traffic. One more drink and I would have tossed my cookies for sure. The presentation screen was about the size of a three-story house and lit up like Time Square. The crowd started going nuts and Sony hadn’t even previewed a game yet.

I’m not gonna go into too much detail about the presentation itself because we have TONS of coverage from the event on the site already but I will say that Sony did their thing. Every game demoed was stunning. I give Uncharted 2 and God of War 3 a tie for best overall presentation. Even on a screen as big as a blimp the resolution of those games held up beautifully and the action was intense. Gran Tourismo 5 also looked amazing. Cars look better in that game than they do in real life! I don’t know how Sony figured out how to upscale reality but damn!

The epic fail of the conference has to go to Sony’s motion controller prototype. Don’t get me wrong the technology is on par. It’s more precise than any Wiimote could dream of being and more plausible than that wiggle your arms Microsoft Natal sh*t. My main issue with the peripheral is it looks like a dildo with a Technicolor snowball on its tip (credit goes to Brooklyn for making that observation). According to the engineers who built the prototype the look of the devise may change eventually. They need to take care of that design flaw A.S.A.P. before that thing winds up in a porno.

Overall on a scale of weak to dope (dope being the best) I give the Sony press conference a HIGH dope for presentation (did I mention they fed us too) and a MID dope for overall product delivery. Thanks for all the luv and liquor Sony but keepin’ it real Microsoft gets the championship belt for best E3 event. Next year consider inviting a pop star or two. That might help.